How to Speak with Your Family Over the Holidays

Were you like me during your childhood?

Did you look forward to every family gathering? I sure did! They were the best! Gatherings at my grandma’s house or an Aunt's. All the special food, the decorations, the gifts (if it was a birthday or Christmas), and the fun with cousins. But, as you grow older, sometimes family gatherings don’t have the same level of fun. It takes time and effort to prepare everything, cook, set up, and clean. Then you don’t know which version of your family will show up. 

You have probably felt that familiar twinge of stress before a family holiday gathering. While the holidays are a time for joy and connection, they can also be fraught with challenges—particularly when conversations drift into sensitive or polarizing territory. However, by approaching these moments with purpose and intention, you can transform potentially stressful interactions into opportunities to strengthen your relationships.

As George Bernard Shaw wisely noted:

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

This quote reminds us that genuine connection requires more than just talking—it demands listening, understanding, and empathy. With that in mind, let’s explore how to approach family conversations during the holidays with peace, purpose, and connection, using the F.A.M.I.L.Y. framework as our guide.

Navigating Holiday Conversations with F.A.M.I.L.Y.

The holidays are a perfect time to strengthen family bonds by focusing on how we communicate. The F.A.M.I.L.Y. acronym offers practical steps to guide conversations toward positivity and respect:

F – Focus

Start each conversation with an open mind and a clear intention to listen. Too often, we approach discussions as if they’re battles to win rather than opportunities to connect. Shift your focus from trying to “prove a point” to genuinely understanding the other person’s perspective.

• Practical Tip: Before jumping into a discussion, remind yourself of the goal: to deepen your connection, not to dominate the conversation.

• Conversation Starter: Instead of leading with a topic that could cause friction, try asking, “What’s been bringing you joy lately?”

By focusing on listening and valuing the other person’s views, you set the tone for a more meaningful interaction.

A – Acceptance

Family dynamics often bring together a rich mix of personalities, values, and opinions. Embrace this diversity as a strength rather than a challenge. Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with everyone—it means you acknowledge their right to their viewpoint.

• Practical Tip: When disagreements arise, respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness. Phrases like “That’s interesting; tell me more about why you feel that way” can diffuse tension and foster understanding.

• Mindset Shift: Remember, acceptance creates an environment where people feel safe to express themselves.

Approaching conversations with acceptance allows differences to coexist peacefully, fostering deeper respect among family members.

M – Mindful

Mindfulness in communication means paying attention to your words, body language, and tone. It’s easy for discussions to escalate when emotions run high, but staying present and composed helps maintain harmony.

• Practical Tip: If a conversation starts to feel heated, take a moment to pause and breathe. A simple “Let me think about that for a second” can buy time to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.

• Body Language Check: Smile, maintain eye contact, and adopt an open posture to convey respect and attentiveness.

When you stay mindful, you’re better equipped to handle even the most sensitive topics with grace.

I – Intentional

Enter each interaction with a clear and positive purpose. Whether you want to reconnect, show support, or learn something new, being intentional helps guide the conversation in a meaningful direction.

• Practical Tip: Think ahead about what you want to communicate. For instance, if you’re catching up with a sibling, you might set an intention to express gratitude for their support over the past year.

• Question Prompt: “What’s a moment from this year that really meant a lot to you?”

When your words are purposeful, your conversations naturally feel more impactful and fulfilling.

L – Lighthearted

Laughter is a powerful tool for connection. When things get tense, a lighthearted comment or well-timed joke can ease the atmosphere and prevent a discussion from spiraling into conflict.

• Practical Tip: Keep a few funny stories or fond family memories in your back pocket to share when the mood needs lifting.

• Example: “Remember the time Uncle Joe burned the turkey and we ended up eating pizza for Thanksgiving? Classic!”

Infusing conversations with humor not only makes gatherings more enjoyable but also creates a sense of togetherness.

Y – Yield

Sometimes, the best way to respect your relationships is to know when to step back. Yielding doesn’t mean avoiding important topics, but it does mean recognizing when to let a subject rest.

• Practical Tip: If you sense a conversation is heading into heated territory, gracefully steer it in a new direction. For example, “Let’s talk about this another time—I’d love to hear more about your holiday plans.”

• Mindset Shift: Yielding isn’t about “giving up”; it’s about preserving the relationship by prioritizing peace over proving a point.

Knowing when to yield demonstrates maturity and helps protect the joy of the holiday season.

Quick Action: Plan for Genuine Connection

Holiday gatherings often center around small talk, but you can take the lead in fostering deeper, more meaningful conversations. Before your next family event, jot down a few open-ended questions designed to spark connection.

Here are some examples:

• “What’s been a highlight of your year?”

• “What’s a favorite holiday tradition you’d love to keep alive?”

• “What’s one thing you’re really excited about for the year ahead?”

These questions encourage your family members to share their experiences, dreams, and reflections, creating moments of genuine connection.

When Challenges Arise: Staying Anchored in Connection

Even with the best intentions, family conversations can sometimes take a challenging turn. Here’s how to handle tricky situations while staying true to the principles of F.A.M.I.L.Y.:

1. Diffuse Tension: If emotions are running high, suggest a quick break: “Why don’t we grab some dessert and come back to this later?”

2. Find Common Ground: Focus on shared values or experiences. For instance, “We may see this differently, but I think we both want the best for our family.”

3. Prioritize the Relationship: Remember that the goal is to build bonds, not walls. If a topic feels divisive, remind yourself that preserving the relationship is more important than winning an argument.

The Heart of Holiday Communication

At its core, holiday communication is about more than just exchanging words—it’s about creating moments of connection that strengthen the ties between family members. By practicing focus, acceptance, mindfulness, intentionality, lightheartedness, and yielding, you can turn potentially stressful conversations into opportunities for growth and joy.

This holiday season, let’s commit to speaking with our family, not at them. With a little preparation and a lot of heart, we can foster a sense of peace, purpose, and connection that will leave everyone feeling valued and loved.

Happy Holidays, and happy connecting!

By Jason Raitz - CEO, Speak with People  With over 25 years of experience, Jason has spoken from stages across the country, inspiring and motivating his audiences with stories, laughter, and practical tools to succeed. Book Jason for your next conference or workshop.