Ghosting in the Workplace

HELLO? HELLO?

Every time I hear Adele sing the first word of her 2015 hit, “Hello,” I think of walking through the tunnel beneath Kennywood Blvd that forms the entrance into Kennywood Park just outside of Pittsburgh. As a kid, I would hope the tunnel was empty as my family made our way into the park excited to ride the Thunderbolt or the Racers. In the empty tunnel, I’d yell, “Hello,” and quickly my own voice would come back to me repeating my cry of “Hello.”

That tunnel is my earliest memory of making an echo. Now, any time I enter a place that I believe will echo, I have to fight my instincts to adhere to the etiquette I’ve learned. It takes all my energy not to clap or yell, “Hey,” or simply say, “Hello,” and hear the sound come back after its brief travel away from me. Apparently, shouting “Hey” in the Maryland State Capitol rotunda is frowned upon.

Hollow, empty spaces are special to me, as they are to a lot of people. The cool contemplation of space as our brains calculate the approximate distance sound travels before bouncing off something and heading back to us can be cathartic.

But sometimes, speaking into a void can be a real pain in the you know what.

You’ve been there. You say, “Hello,” expecting a response, but all you get back is your own voice seemingly mocking you with an ethereal echoed, “Hello.”

I love that we’ve created a verb for this phenomenon, but I hate that it is so common in the digital age that we needed to create a verb. It’s even in the Oxford English Dictionary.

To Ghost (verb, transitive): To ignore or pretend not to know (a person), specifically to cease to respond to (a person) on social media, by text message, etc., especially as a means of ending a relationship suddenly and without explanation; (hence) to end a relationship or association with (a person) by ceasing all communication.

I am not opposed to the occasional Irish Goodbye (which can be another way to use ghost as a verb), but ghosting when it comes to communication drives me absolutely bananas. If I wanted to hear my voice echo, I’d go to Kennywood, and I’d get funnel cake, too. But ghosting has probably happened to all of us.

Ghosting as a term probably originates in the dating world. You start talking to someone and maybe even go on some dates with someone, then suddenly, they stop responding to your texts and phone calls. They seem to disappear off the face of the Earth. It leaves the person being ghosted with all kinds of questions. 

“What happened?”
“Was it me?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Are they okay?”
“What did I do?”
“Should I keep reaching out?”

It's particularly painful when you feel like everything is going pretty well and all of a sudden, it isn’t going at all.

Ghosting happens in the workplace, too. Your officemates avoid eye contact and casual conversation. Your e-mails and Slack messages go unanswered. You stop getting the recognition you once received. You’re not invited to meetings you previously would have attended. Maybe you start noticing that some of your normal or past job responsibilities are being delegated to other colleagues.

Handling ghosting is different depending on the situation.

WHAT TO DO WHEN GHOSTED

If you were ghosted by your Hinge match after the third date, it’s probably best to let that one go. Don’t blame yourself. Even if the person is ghosting you because of some opinion they have of you, they are too immature to explain it and leave the relationship politely. Let ‘em go. Unfriend them on social media so you’re not reminded of what they are up to without you. Set some dates with family and friends who love you. When you’re ready, get back on the horse. Hopefully, the next match will be more mature.

Unfortunately, “Let ‘em go” is not always a great course of action when you start to feel ghosted in the workplace. Not addressing the situation could lead to you losing opportunities to grow and advance in the organization and could even put you on the chopping block.

So what do you do?

First, don’t blame yourself. There very well may be an issue fully on your shoulders, but it is not your fault you’re being ghosted. Ghosting you is fully someone else’s choice. If you are doing something wrong, the mature way to handle that is for the person with the problem to confront you, explain the issue, and offer thoughts on remedies. Ghosting is lazy and immature.

So, at least you’re not the lazy and immature person.

Second, attempt to reestablish communication while acknowledging the ghosting.

“Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. Have you decided on a different direction?”

“I haven’t heard from you. I’m wondering if you missed my [communication] following up on [that thing we talked about/worked on].”

Ghosting may have been the most comfortable thing for the person who ghosted you, but it probably left you hanging. If it includes being left out of meetings or starting to have your responsibilities delegated to others, it probably comes with a hint of, “Is my job in jeopardy?”

When you are reestablishing communication, make sure the other person understands the stakes.

You can’t do your job well without information or feedback from the other party. If you’re not in the meetings discussing strategy, you aren’t going to be able to drive the mission forward. You can’t bring your best when you’re worried that your job is on the line. You don’t want to sound desperate, but you can share the stakes with honesty and humility.

It may be tempting to go over the head of the person ghosting you and bringing management into the situation. As a manager, it is probably expedient. If ghosting is creating operational inefficiency, I’m going to address it…rapidly. However, this is almost never the best tactic.

Involving management too quicky will make it incredibly more difficult to rebuild trust and collaboration with the person who has ghosted you. Chances are, you’re going to continue to work together and therefore communicate.

Distrust erodes effectiveness. It leads to compartmentalization and “need to know” communication that limits your ability to make decisions based on a comprehensive knowledge of the variables at play.

Also, as a manager, if you come to me, you’ve alerted me there is a problem in your area. This invites a higher level of scrutiny, perhaps a reduction of autonomy, and one more voice to manage in decision making.

Third, set the tone for next time. Once you’ve reestablished communication, embrace the awkward investigation into what led to the decision to ghost you. Was it your performance? Was it something you said in a meeting with a supervisor? Was there something going on in the other person’s personal life and they became unfocused? Was there a strategic shift that wasn’t communicated comprehensively?

Figure it out. Then, talk about markers that can be put in place that will alert you and the other person that things may be heading back toward another ghosting situation. If it makes sense, create a scoreboard you can both contribute to. When it gets yellow, have a sit down and discuss how to make things better. If it gets red, you’re probably already being ghosted and you have to start this whole process over again.

DO YOU GHOST?

What if you’re the one who ghosted someone?

You probably have. Research says most of us have. I have.

If you’re reading this and you’re like, “I think I might be a ghoster,” then there are steps you can take, too.

First, acknowledge it. Admit it. Identify who you’ve done it to and if they are still working with you or around you, move on to step two.

Second, apologize and reopen communication.

“Hey, I’m so sorry to have left you hanging. I know that has probably left you with questions or hindered your ability to complete some of the projects we were discussing. I’d like to reopen our communication and figure out how we can get on the same path again.”

Third, share what led to you becoming a ghost and talk about how you can work together to avoid it in the future.

Back to the romantic side of things. If you’re getting ghosted a lot, you’re probably the problem. Definitely don’t chase down anyone who ghosted you. It’s probably not good for you or for them. Definitely do get with some people who won’t lie to you and figure out what you’re doing wrong. 

I’ve been happily married for nearly 20 years, but here are some things I would have ghosted you for in the late 90s or early 2000s:

• Chewing with your mouth open
• Driving the speed limit in the left lane
• Changing the radio station when it’s playing my jam
• Showing up smelly

Anyway, stop ghosting people and start speaking with people. If you’ve been ghosted, stop blaming yourself and start speaking with people.

By Matt Murphy - COO, Stadia

Matt is a regular contributor for the Speak with People Blog. He lives in Maryland and is married to Becky. Together they have two kids and one dog, named Ravenclaw.