Stop Performing, Start Connecting

“Two monologues do not make a dialogue.” – Jeff Daly

Have you ever found yourself doing all the talking in a conversation and feeling profoundly fulfilled? We have all been there. We think we’re connecting because we’re communicating. This isn’t about talking to yourself or role-playing alone. It’s a scenario where you're talking nonstop, and the person you're talking to doesn’t get a chance to communicate in the conversation at all. 

Ever been there? 

You think you’re communicating because lots of words are rambling out of your mouth, but the other person can’t respond because you are putting on a great performance. You are starring in a one-person show and they didn’t even buy a ticket! This is the illusion of communication. You are performing and not connecting. 

This is not healthy communication, this is not effective communication. This is speaking at people, which is the opposite of speaking with people. 

Unfortunately, I’m pretty good at this. If there were awards for this type of communication performance, I’d win a lot of them. On top of that, those closest to me have had to learn how to communicate with me when I start to communicate this way. Some would call this a cringe-worthy experience (especially my children). 

This is unhealthy. I make it all about myself. I perform and I do not connect. 

Can you relate? This type of cringe-worthy moment is a great example of speaking at people. 

Instead of sharing a connection, one where you listen, engage, and collaborate, you find yourself dumping, informing, or spewing? If you’re like me, you can probably recall a few moments in your leadership journey and life where you've had some cringe-worthy performances.

These scenarios often involve orchestrating the dialogue, anticipating responses, and fitting your words into a 'perfect' script. It feels amazing and fulfilling as if a Hollywood writer scripted it just for you. But this isn't how real communication works; it could be a scene from a Lifetime movie. Sound familiar?

It happens to me, and I shouldn’t be proud of it. Ask my family, and they’ll affirm it happens more often than not. I tend to dominate the communication process, playing all the roles in the conversation. This is not healthy communication. This is speaking at people in all its glory. But I need to start this book with an over-the-top example to get your attention and I hope it will give you a laugh. I also help you realize that no one is as good of a communicator as they think they are. 

We can agree on this premise: at times, I believe the only way to get my point across is to control the entire communication process. Shakespeare, Spielberg, and Scorsese would be proud of my performance. I have enough emotional intelligence to recognize these moments won’t deepen my connection or build trust with the person I’m speaking to. But out of pride, I continue to perform.

Let me share one of my amusing (though less appreciated by my family) conversation performances with my wife of 27 years. She was a willing and then unwilling participant in my one-man show.

Scene: Husband walks into the living room and begins a conversation with his wife. 

Jason: "Hi Tracie, how are you?"

Sometimes, if my wife responds with a simple "I’m good" or delays (which to me seems like 17 minutes but is 1.7 nanoseconds), I dive into a self-staged conversation. It might seem humorous to me, but my family likely finds it pretty annoying. I rush in, crafting both sides of the dialogue, seeking something more than a simple "I'm good." Here’s how it often unfolds:

Jason: “Hi Tracie!! How are you?” 

Tracie: “I’m good.” (Jason waits 1.7 seconds) 

Jason: (Jason theatrically pretending to be Tracie in a lovely Southern Belle accent) “Oh, just good?” Tracie (Still played by Jason): “Now, as I’ve pondered the blessings in my life, I feel so much better than I deserve.” (Not sure why my wife adopts a Southern belle charm in our conversations?) 

Jason: “Oh, goodness, that truly warms my heart! To hear you reflect on your blessings—heartwarming indeed!” (And why I’ve joined her in the southern accent I’ll never know.) 

Tracie: “Oh, I know, and I'm delighted to warm your heart with my reflections. It's a daily goal. If I can warm your heart with my ponderings, I’ve succeeded.” 

Jason: “I love that! I'm brimming with joy, hope, and anticipation now. I'm going to burst into song.” (At that point, I began singing a song from the greatest rock band, Hootie and the Blowfish… “I only wanna be with you.”)

These conversations get out of control and ultimately turn into a game. I know this sucks the life out of the heartbeat of communication. The heartbeat is to share a connection and I’ve made sure our connection gets disrupted. Yet, out of pride or the urge to get my point across, I fall into this trap. I then do the one thing that breaks my heart and damages relationships: 

I speak at her.

Maybe you’ve been there? Your communication with a client went sideways, displaying all the signs of unhealthy communication. Perhaps this happened with your son, daughter, spouse, parent, or coworker. Or after months of being on the receiving end of this kind of communication from your boss, you match it and you speak at them. 

Here’s the reality:

This is not genuine, healthy, or effective communication. It’s just bad communication. This is when you dump, inform or spew at the other person in hopes that it will connect. If I direct every word to fit my expectations, it’s not authentic; it’s a contrived exchange tailored to my desires. I bet you’ve had similar moments with your spouse, kids, boss, or clients. It's a coping mechanism when conversations don’t unfold as hoped, letting us play out the dialogue as we want.

These conversations with ourselves are enticing because they echo what we long to hear. But they aren’t genuine. They drain the depth from a natural conversation, replacing it with a one-sided dialogue. If we dwell in that dream world, our leadership and relationships will stagnate, and people will realize we aren’t truly listening.

Talking to yourself is gratifying; it echoes precisely what we need to hear. But it’s extremely detrimental when the other person is present. Communication isn’t one-sided. It’s not just about our needs and desires. Communication revolves around each other. It's a beautiful art form that takes time to learn and develop.

Communication is not one-sided. Communication is really not even about you. 

As leaders, we often rush through communication. Yet, when we genuinely learn how to communicate, breathing life into our words, our worlds transform. Healthy communication builds trust and deepens our relationships. When trust is built, there can be grace for less-than-perfect communication moments because of a strong foundation. Without that foundation, unhealthy communication will end many good relationships.

What if I told you every leader does have a superpower already? I firmly believe every leader can possess the superpower of healthy communication. While not everyone can command an audience like comedian Nate Bargatze or engage like Simon Sinek or Dr. Brene Brown, every leader can learn healthy interpersonal communication skills.

Every leader can Speak with People, not at them. 

Communication is vital for leadership. It’s life or death for success. If we persist in one-sided, unhealthy communication, one day we’ll wake up to find no one is listening or worse, following. There will be no deals to close, clients will leave, and team members will avoid us. To nurture thriving leadership, we must choose healthy communication consistently. Recognizing and valuing everyone's perspective, then deciding to speak with people, not at them, is crucial for success in leadership and in life. 

You might manage unhealthy communication skills for a while, especially if you’re the boss. Your team doesn’t listen, so you enforce your communication. Your client is hesitant, so you use scare tactics. Your kids aren’t behaving, so you manipulate. But is that what you genuinely want? You may be okay with that because you’re ‘winning.’ In the long run, those short-term wins won’t last long. 

There’s a better way. Instead of acting through conversations, forcing communication, and speaking at people, why not speak with them? The choice lies between healthy and unhealthy communication; it’s the difference between speaking with (healthy) and speaking at (unhealthy). 

Many leaders tend toward unhealthy communication, draining life from relationships and leadership. Demeaning, destructive, and passive-aggressive words prevail. We thrust our ideas on our teams, closing off communication channels.

Consistently, this culture fosters fear, confusion, panic, and hurt. When this persists, no one will listen to you–they'll avoid you.

The right choice is leading with healthy communication. It’s the oxygen for your relationships and leadership. It's about becoming someone whose words breathe life into their world. To speak with people, not at them. When you do, your leadership, relationships, and life will flourish exponentially.

As leaders, this is how we build trust and deepen our relationships with our teams, clients, and potential clients. There is so much at stake for our leadership. So, choose wisely.

This journey is not easy. It’s easy to speak at people. It’s easy to lead every conversation with what we want to hear. It’s easy to partner with fear and control and manipulate with our words. Yes, you can do it. But, you’ll find out in the next chapter what you’ll lose if you do. 

This journey demands a conscious effort to prioritize and practice healthy communication in every aspect of your leadership. The outcomes will amaze you. Not only will you lead from a healthy place, but you'll infuse life into a dark and dreary world. This is why we developed The Pathway. It is a step-by-step guide to help every leader pursue, maintain, and exercise healthy communication behaviors every single day. 

If you stick on the Pathway, you will build trust and deepen your relationships. Your leadership will grow. Your influence will expand. Your communication will be healthy, effective, and impactful. This is a great place for a leader to be.

You will become a leader who people want to follow and listen to.

By Jason Raitz - CEO, Speak with People  With over 25 years of experience, Jason has spoken from stages across the country, inspiring and motivating his audiences with stories, laughter, and practical tools to succeed. Book Jason for your next conference or workshop.